Pang Tong answers letters
by Zarm
Summary: The smarmy, snide and strange Pang Tong has come to answer the various letters that the different prominent generals of Dynasty Warriors send him. Rated T for swearing and implied themes. Heavily inspired by all the 'answers letters' works out there.
1. First Day

A/N: Time to ride the bandwagon.

I find these '-insertDWcharacternamehere- answers letters' to be highly comedic and entertaining.

If you guys like this, I suggest trying to check the others, they're funny, too.

* * *

><p><strong>FIRST DAY<strong>

* * *

><p>Dear Zhuge Liang,<p>

No, I didn't mean it like that. You could easily drive them off with a simple fire attack; that much would be the most effective and cost-efficient course of action.

That is, if they were human enemies. I suggest you just try to get her drunk or something, or outright ask her. She IS your wife, anyway.

Why are you even asking me advice for things I know nothing about?

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

Yes, my liege. I apologize for the messenger that sent you that previous letter.

And, yes. You may try to use my suggestions on Lady Wu, I suppose they will work.

Then again, isn't she your wife?

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

I meant the get-her-drunk part, my liege. Not the FIRE ATTACK.

Oh boy, this is going to be an embarrassing topic between the Wu strategists.

I just suggest you ask her to sleep with you when the fires (literally and figuratively) between Shu and Wu have died out.

Just, please, if you don't understand something, ask me personally next time.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

I am sorry, but I know nothing of the affair between your son and the Bao girl.

To be honest, I was quite surprised as well, I suggest you try to look at this calmly.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

What do you mean Zhang Bao? Zhang Bao is a male, and I honestly think that boy would never fall for one of your sons.

When you had mentioned 'Bao' I had assumed you were talking about the affair between Guan Suo and Bao Sanniang. I suppose you DO learn new things every day.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

You're probably just tired, my lord. Or someone is spreading a really nasty rumor.

I'm sure Guan Xing isn't interested in Zhang Bao, I have seen the two of them, and I have surmised it to be simply brotherly love; just like the one between you, lord Liu Bei and lord Zhang Fei.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Xing,<p>

You're not interested in Zhang Bao by any chance, are you?

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Xing,<p>

What do you mean I'm too old for him? And what is with your defensive attitude?

Please, I beg of you, for the future of Shu, please just don't.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Xing,<p>

Ah, I'm so relieved.

I have just confirmed that Zhang Bao had accidentally spilled his wine on Fa Zheng's clothes one night, and the bastard had started spreading nasty rumors about the two of you ever since.

Now tell me; what's happening between your brother Suo and that Bao girl?


	2. Second Day

A/N: You guys can ask Pang Tong anything; or tell him descriptive love-making stories. He loves those.

* * *

><p><strong>SECOND DAY<strong>

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Xing,<p>

Apart from the fact that all of that information was interesting, albeit a bit too descriptive for my tastes, I have no qualms about Guan Suo and the Bao girl partaking in wild stable-

-letter is torn in half-

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Suo,<p>

What do you mean give you all my letters? I would rather keep these treasures to myself. Privately.

I would also like to inform you that your father may or may not kill Bao Sanniang. Or Zhang Bao. Or both, for good measure.

Give or take.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Suo,<p>

Ah, I get the gist of it now.

Interesting, you say that Guan Ping also got the letter before giving it to you?

Ah, the look on his face must have been priceless.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Suo,<p>

P.S: Did Guan Xing receive the letter?

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Suo,<p>

Oh, is that so?

Could you kindly inform your brother that I am not a fan of his descriptive 'observations' between you and Bao Sanniang.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Suo,<p>

Well, it isn't my fault that your brother caught you one or two times.

Okay I'm joking, he knows every single one of your sessions.

You do know it's YOUR fault for 'horsing' around.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Suo,<p>

I'm sorry; please don't send your father to kill me.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

My lord, I have confirmed that your son, Guan Xing, is not gay! One hundred percent sure.

If you hear anything from Guan Suo about me, my behaviour, my letters, or anything related to me; then all of that is false.

I have found that Wei has been dispatching spies to put bad blood between the officers of Shu.

Just ignore Guan Suo if he says my name for the time being.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhuge Liang,<p>

I have already read my fair share of overly descriptive love-making, thank you very much.

On the other hand, I am proud that you managed to sleep with your wife without the use of alcohol.

On the other other hand, I am quite surprised that you are capable of such things.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhuge Liang,<p>

So you mean to tell me that majority of that wasn't done by you?

* * *

><p>Dear Zhuge Liang,<p>

I'm sorry, but you have seriously gone down in my respect chart.


	3. Third Day

**THIRD DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

Please stop sending me letters about how you want me to burn all of Xingcai's armor.

First of all, I don't control fire.

Second of all, if I were to do that, she'd blame me (or Fa Zheng). She never really liked me.

Third of all, why don't you just ask her to strip for you nicely?

Now please, stop sending me these incessant requests.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

I told you to ask her nicely; not force her down to her underwear. Of course she'd stab you with her sword.

And what do you mean I CAN control fire? I've never controlled fire except for when I conduct fire attacks.

Didn't I already tell you to stop sending me these requests? Even if I WERE to do them, her armor is made of steel; that does NOT burn easily.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

What do you mean she stabbed you with her shield? How does that even make any sense?

Are you saying I can control fire when I drink-

-letter is burnt in half-

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

Sorry about that.

I guess I CAN control fire after all.

Go ask your father or lord Liu Bei or Zhuge Liang how to get women or something.

I may be a strategist, but I've no knowledge of 'picking up chicks' as you adequately called it.

Now stop sending me those requests!

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

My lord, please convince lord Zhang Fei to tell Xingcai that she should spend some time with Guan Ping.

He is incessantly asking for love advice and I can't stand any more of it.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Fei,<p>

My lord, please tell your daughter that Guan Ping earnestly wants to spend some time with her.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Fei,<p>

What do you mean Zhang Bao refuses Xingcai to leave the house?

Why don't you force him down or something similar?

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Fei,<p>

My lord, this is grave news.

Please do tell lord Guan Yu that your son and Guan Ping are merely 'sparring'.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Bao,<p>

Please, young lord, I beg of you to re-think your decisions.

You may end up dead by the time this letter gets to you.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Fei,<p>

That's splendid news!

Though I am slightly disturbed at how Xingcai managed to knock her brother out with one strike of her shield.

I am also surprised how she managed to stab Guan Ping with her shield. Really, really, surprised for that one.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

Stop sending me these requests!

* * *

><p>Dear Xingcai,<p>

Please, I beg of you, just spend some time with Guan Ping; give him a kiss on the cheek or something like that.


	4. Fourth Day

**FOURTH DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Xingcai,<p>

Lord Liushan's safety comes first, you say?

With Guan Ping daydreaming over you, he will not be able to do his job properly; thus rendering him a useless officer.

Thus putting Shu in great risk.

Thus putting lord Liushan AT RISK.

If only there was some way to cure him of his predicament.

* * *

><p>Dear Xingcai,<p>

I see you're interested now. Well then, I suggest you simply spend some time with him.

You are free to stab him with your shield if he gets touchy.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

Yes, yes. You can thank me later; I've got a ton of letters to write back to.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

I am sincerely sorry for the little problem our lord has brought upon Wu.

Attached to this is my first letter to Zhuge Liang, which was wrongly sent to lord Liu Bei; I suppose everything else is self-explanatory after that.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

Please, don't patronize me. As a man of little to no knowledge in love-making, it was the most efficient course of action that I could think of.

I hope this clears up our little 'fire attack' incident.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

Do pardon me, young lord; it is my fault that your personal guard is not there to attend to your every whim.

I had simply told her to go and take care of Guan Ping's… cravings.

I hope you understand.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

What do you mean you want to learn your father's 'special martial arts'?

If it is something about lord Liu Bei I am sure Zhuge Liang will be able to help you.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

So you've already asked Zhuge Liang but he has no clue as to what you are talking about?

Strange, Zhuge Liang is closest to lord Liu Bei apart from his sworn brothers.

Please, do clarify 'special martial arts'.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

Yes, yes, my lord. I understand. Please do stop sending your letters; just the first one was enough.

I have surmised that your father was simply showing Lady Wu how much he loves her; nothing more nothing less.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

NO, NO, MY LORD. DO NOT ATTEMPT WHAT YOU HAD SEEN THAT NIGHT TO ANY OF THE GUARDS.

THAT ALSO APPLIES TO THE OTHER OFFICERS.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

If you are so desperate in wanting to show your 'love' for everyone, a simple hug will suffice, young lord.

Please, my lord, for the future of Shu, do not attempt that with anyone else other than the ones you truly and absolutely love.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

NO MY LORD, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DO THAT TO LORD LIU BEI.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

Just... find something else to preoccupy your thoughts with, young lord.


	5. Fifth Day

**FIFTH DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

Would you kindly let Xingcai go for a few days, perhaps?

Lord Liushan misses her dearly, I hope you understand.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

What do you mean he should go get his own Xingcai?

Please stop acting like a child and return Xingcai back to lord Liushan.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

If you're so bitter about it, why don't you suggest to lord Liu Bei to be one of his bodyguards, hmm?

That way, you'll have more time with Xingcai AND do something good for Shu.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

I did not need to know that.

Seriously.

Why do you lot even know how to write these experiences so vividly and descriptively?

I mean, you just lost me at the part where you mistakenly started with Sun Ce instead of your wife.

What kind of a blunder is that?

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

You did NOT need to clarify that Sun Ce started on YOU, and not vice-versa.

I swear, if I get more of these I'll slap Zhuge Liang.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

'It's not gay in a four way, because that way, you can go all the way'?

What is that supposed to mean?

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

'It's not gay in a three way-'

You know what? This gave me an idea. Many thanks.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

It's not gay in a three way, if there's a honey in the middle there's some leeway.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

Young lord, Guan Ping and Xingcai should be arriving at your room shortly. Please do try your 'martial arts' against Xingcai. Don't worry about Guan Ping; he'll be there to help you.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

NO.

DO NOT. I REPEAT. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DO ANYTHING TO GUAN PING.

For the sake of Shu, young lord, please.

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

My lord, I suggest you cover your ears for a good hour or so.

Your son… will have become a man the next time you see him.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

Thank you again.

Good luck with Sun Ce –name is scribbled on-

Xiaoqiao.

Good luck with Xiaqiao.

* * *

><p>AN: Kudos to whoever gets the song reference.


	6. Sixth Day

**SIXTH DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

I am sincerely sorry for the noise your son and his friends were making all night long.

Yes, I confess that I was the one who had suggested such an act.

No, no. No need to thank me, my lord, it is simply in my best interests and for the greatness of Shu.

Don't you find it amazing how your bond reaches even the next generation?

* * *

><p>Dear Sun Ce,<p>

Please stop sending me these provocative letters. I know these are supposed to be for your wife, but how did it even manage to get all the way to Shu?

Zhou Yu has also sent me a certain morsel of information.

If you value your reputation, I suggest you stop sending me these disgusting letters.

* * *

><p>Dear Sun Ce,<p>

I have already given your previous letter to Lady Wu.

Though I must say, I am rather embarrassed that I hadn't managed to read between the lines.

I am sure you have made lord Liu Bei a very happy man.

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

I would rather that you keep this to yourself, my lord.

The fact that even you are well versed in the art of describing, which is a compliment, mind you; is not helping one bit.

I know, my lord. Oh, how Zhuge Liang has fallen.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhuge Liang,<p>

Bold move there, my friend. Though I suggest keeping your hands to yourself or on your wife the next time around.

I mean, it must have been embarrassing to have ACCIDENTALLY started on lord Liu Bei.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

Attached to this letter is Zhuge Liang's address.

I'm sure the two of you will have so much in common.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

Well, the more the merrier, as I always say, young lord.

I am sure Guan Suo and Bao Sanniang wouldn't mind the three of you.

Though I have to say that Suo can be quite… rowdy.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

I suggest being more assertive the next time around, my lord.

If you continue to just be a pushover, your little fun five-some will end up as a double tandem with a sad man on the side.

Your father may be able to give you some tips on assertion.

Just don't ask Zhuge Liang; he knows nothing about it.

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Shu,<p>

I am afraid Zhuge Liang is busy most of these days.

I suggest trying to preoccupy your thoughts with something else. Go leave for a while, travel new places.

Though I must say, the sudden stop in this war is quite strange.


	7. Seventh Day

**SEVENTH DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

Well, it's nice to hear from you, too.

My, what a rather rude way of starting things.

Though I suppose the reason as to why I'm still alive (which I find to be a strange question) is because of my nickname.

I'm not called a Phoenix for nothing.

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

That reminds me, would you kindly lend Shu your son's caretaker? Or your wife, if you want.

Young lord Liushan is quite lonely, and I would like for him to have some company.

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Cao,<p>

Would you mind lending Shu one of your female officers?

Just for a while, think of it as repayment for Guan Yu's services.

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Cao,<p>

Okay, I'm kind of guilty for what happened at Chibi; but, hey. That's war for you.

And I would not mind that you send us Wang Yi, she doesn't seem too troublesome.

Her request is rather strange, though. Why would she want Ma Chao to escort her?

If I recall correctly, she likes him to the point of obsession or something.

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Chao,<p>

Lord Liu Bei has ordered you to escort lady Wang Yi from Xuchang. Alone.

Don't worry, this weird calmness between the three kingdoms assure your safety.

Just be vigilant, I think she kind of obsesses over you.

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

Forget I ever asked for your wife, the gracious lord Cao Cao has agreed to send lady Wang Yi to appease young lord Liushan.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

Rejoice, my lord!

I have arranged a new playmate for you, please, do wait for a few days.

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

You mean to tell me that she doesn't crush over Ma Chao?

And he killed her entire family.

And she wants to kill him.

Alright, castrate him FIRST then kill him.

Oh, dear. This is a problem.

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Chao,<p>

Please turn back, bring Ma Dai and the other four tiger generals along with you.

I have heard of a rumor that there are many bandits along the main road, and I wouldn't want you to fall prey to such measly opponents.

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Shu,<p>

I know you're preparing for a leisurely stroll across the countryside, but I wish to ask something of you.

Please watch over Ma Chao and company, they are about to escort… someone dangerous; and I would like you to devise a plan of escape for them if things get too heated.

That way, you'd be doing some good for Shu and travel. Two birds with one stone, as they say.

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Chao,<p>

What do you mean you're already half way there?!

Turn back, bring as many reinforcements as you can!

This is an order!

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

You're exaggerating, surely.

She couldn't be able to defeat a thousand soldiers alone at the mere mention of Ma Chao's name.

I mean, that's Lu Bu's thing.

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

What do you mean she's already left the capital?

She couldn't have gone far, why don't you stop her?

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

She supposedly gains tremendous speed at the mention of Ma Chao's name as well?

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Chao,<p>

TURN BACK, RIGHT NOW!

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Dai,<p>

This is a joke, right?

Along with the bloodied letter that was supposedly written by Ma Chao and his bloody spear, this is some kind of bad joke, right?

And what do you mean he was nowhere to be found when you got there?


	8. Eight Day

**EIGHT DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

There have been complications with your… playmate's arrival.

I suggest you just try and get along with the other four at the time being.

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

So you were literally talking about martial arts?

You started showcasing it towards Ping and Xingcai and they ended up 'wrestling while screaming' as you adequately called it.

I suppose you weren't talking about love-making, then?

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

Love-making?

Whatever do you mean, young lord? I have never mentioned such a thing.

I am quite pleased that you aren't experienced yet; though disappointed that you aren't experienced yet.

Perhaps a game of Go will alleviate your loneliness?

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Shu,<p>

That's splendid news!

I suggest you follow them and try to take Ma Chao back.

Or whatever is left of him, I guess.

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Shu,<p>

So you say she dragged his knocked out body to a cave?

And now you're too scared to get any closer?

Just wait for reinforcements to arrive.

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Dai,<p>

Xu Shu tailed Wang Yi and knows where y our cousin is.

I suggest you follow him; he's too scared to go any farther.

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Shu,<p>

I hope you're lying.

She hates his guts; no way is she going to do THAT to him.

And how do you even know this?

* * *

><p>Dear Wang Yi,<p>

I see you've captured Xu Shu.

And, well, scarred him for the rest of his life. I commend your cunning and perceptiveness.

But can't we talk about this? Let's be civilized here.

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Dai,<p>

Quicken your pace, I am currently distracting her.

Lest you wish to stumble upon something you would never want to see ever again.

* * *

><p>Dear Wang Yi,<p>

I asked for negotiations.

NOT DESCRIPTIVE SCENARIOS ON WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO TO MA CHAO.

Though I have to say, these are somewhat impressive. May I suggest these to my lord?

* * *

><p>Dear Wang Yi,<p>

Apparently, lord Liu Bei was very pleased. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I don't know. Ask Xu Shu himself, he may comply out of fear.

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Shu,<p>

What do you mean you're leaving Shu?

Don't be ridiculous, was she THAT good?

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Shu,<p>

What about benevolence? Lord Liu Bei's ideals?

Don't cloud your mind with momentary pleasures, snap back to your senses and get back here!

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Dai,<p>

I told you to quicken your pace.

Not my fault you had to see that.

* * *

><p>Dear Jiang Wei,<p>

Would you kindly get Xu Shu back?

He's currently under the spell of some witch.

And, yes. You're free to babble on about Zhuge Liang and benevolence.

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

Want to sleep with Wang Yi?

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

Well, your letter reached me abnormally fast.

Now, now. Don't get too excited.

Attached to this letter are my plans, I assure you, most of them are fool-proof.


	9. Ninth Day

**NINTH DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

I am not interested in what you're going to do to Wang Yi. Due to your enthusiasm, I assume you fully agree to everything I have told you.

Don't worry; I am sure you can merely say you were in a drunken stupor when they ask you why you did that.

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Shu,<p>

It's a shame lady Wang Yi left you for dead when you were attacked by bandits. That's probably enough proof that she simply looks at you as a toy.

No, no. Don't worry; you're more than welcome to join Shu again.

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

What do you mean she beat you half to death?

I though you took care of her?

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

I see. She beat you, your underlings, and, by accident, Xu Shu.

Well, I guess you've had more than enough of lady Wang Yi, hmm?

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

Fine, do whatever you want to do.

I won't be surprised to find out that you'll die first from her rather than your illness.

* * *

><p>Dear Jia Xu,<p>

As a fellow strategist, I would like to warn you of master Guo Jia's worsening condition; of obsessing over the wrong woman.

I suggest preparing funeral arrangements as quickly as possible.

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Dai,<p>

Yes, I am aware Ma Chao's probably in a coma.

And, yes. I am also aware of how much Xu Shu cries.

Just get back here as soon as possible.

* * *

><p>Dear Xiahou Dun,<p>

I am very intrigued by your proposition. Though I must say that lady Yueying would be more interested with these 'metal animals'.

And frankly, the young lord is more interested in Go now.

Thank you for your concern about our lord's wellbeing; I hope you're nephew turns back to normal.

PS: Can't Sima Yi change him back?

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Dai,<p>

This is why I told you to bring the other tiger generals.

Stop whining on how much work I'm making you do; I DID give you a chance to get some helping hands.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Suo,<p>

Please take your brother, lady Bao and lady Xingcai somewhere else.

Lord Liushan can't concentrate on Go strategies with you lot making all that noise on his beddings. Which are literally a few feet away from him.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Suo,<p>

I don't care if you go to the horse stables; just give the young lord some space!

He is highly confused as to what you are even doing.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

What do you mean you like lord Liushan's bed? And what is with these migraine-inducing letters you just sent me?

Please do not write to me when you are drunk.


	10. Tenth Day

**TENTH DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Jia Xu,<p>

Stop calling me a prophet, it was merely simple deduction.

I mean, Guo Jia IS a womanizer. He would have tried to lay his hands on lady Wang Yi sooner or later.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

I have to say, that was the most... descriptive letter you've sent me so far.

Drunkenness can do bad things for your train of thought; and I suggest you keep this piece of information to yourself.

Even though it may be true, lord Liu Bei may be angered.

And he may castrate you and turn you into a eunuch.

Which will more or less lead to lord Liu Bei making you unable to spend quality time with Xingcai; not to mention leaving you with no means of making love to her in the most intimate way possible.

Though I have to say, I applaud you that she hadn't stabbed you with her shield this time around.

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Dai,<p>

Stop crying, Ma Chao is still alive; albeit a vegetable.

Go and take Xu Shu out for a drink, to relieve the both of you some stress.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Xing,<p>

I suggest finding a wife as soon as possible.

Many speculate you being… well, uninterested in women.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Bao,<p>

I'm sorry. But I have no clue as to where your sister is.

No, I'm sure she hasn't eloped with Guan Ping yet.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Bao,<p>

What are you talking about?

I specifically stated in my previous letter that she 'had not eloped with Guan Ping'.

You make it sound like I've predicted their plans of eloping or something like that.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Suo,<p>

What do you mean you four are leaving for a while?

This will make things highly suspicious; and will be… unfavourable for my part.

Please just leave with Bao Sanniang, don't take your brother and Xingcai along.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Bao,<p>

I swear, I had nothing to do with this.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Bao,<p>

They're clearly lying, I mean, why would I ever suggest something like a foursom-

-letter is ripped-

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

My lord, I shall be patrolling the borders for a while, please do not mind my absence.

Oh, and if young lord Zhang Bao decides to leave, please do stop him at all costs.

He seems to have held a grudge with a certain enemy officer; and his anger may lead him to his death.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhuge Liang,<p>

Please don't let Zhang Bao out at any cost, I beg of you.

Attached to this letter is a mystical potion that you can use on your wife.

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

Once again, I am sorry my lord. These messengers can be quite incompetent at times.

Please do feel free to use some of the aphrodisiac attached to the letter.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhuge Liang,<p>

Please don't let Zhang Bao out at any cost, I beg of you.

Attached to this letter is a mystical potion that you can use on your wife.

-notes written in Liu Bei's handwriting-

Please do bring yourself and lady Yueying to my chambers at once.

Sun Shanxiang and I would like to conduct an experiment.

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

No, I do not need more aphrodisiac.

And I did not need to know that Wang Yi is immune to said substance.

Though I am quite glad that you are able to write to me again.

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

How can you even write this well with your feet?

Given the fact that your legs are also broken, this is quite a stupendous feat.

I suggest you get well soon. And to stop trying to get lady Wang Yi's affections.


	11. Eleventh Day

**ELEVENTH DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Dai,<p>

This is an intriguing piece of information. Though I suggest you lay off the wine for now.

Lord Liushan was in his chambers the whole time; he couldn't have had come to Ma Chao and Xu Shu's aid.

* * *

><p>Dear Jiang Wei,<p>

What do you mean you were captured by Wu?

Why are you even across the border?

* * *

><p>Dear Jia Xu,<p>

I will be more than honoured to visit. I'm sure master Guo Jia will be pleased as well.

If he is conscious by the time I arrive there, that is.

No, I'm not busy. I was just out of town, actually.

* * *

><p>Dear Jiang Wei,<p>

Hold on tight, I'll be asking Zhou Yu for your release.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

Attached to this letter is a bottle of aphrodisiac made by Guo Jia.

I'll send more if you promise to release Jiang Wei.

* * *

><p>Dear Jiang Wei,<p>

No need to thank me. I have my… ways.

Just don't stray that far away; why did you even leave in the first place?

* * *

><p>Dear Jiang Wei,<p>

Oh, right. Xu Shu.

Anyways, you are relieved of your duties. Ma Dai has already retrieved Xu Shu.

Go get a drink or something.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhuge Liang,<p>

No, I'm fine.

I do not want to join your little fiasco. I'd rather answer these letters, thank you very much.

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

I am honoured that you want me to partake in your merry making, my lord.

But I am fine as is; I assure you. I have also already told Zhuge Liang about my distaste in joining your 'fun'.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

Please go back; can't you two do your business in your rooms or something?

Xingcai's brother is furious at your sudden 'absence'

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

What do you mean the only bed for you is lord Liushan's?

Unbelievable! You've just as good beddings as the young lord!

* * *

><p>Dear Liushan,<p>

Would you kindly give your bed in exchange for Guan Ping's?

I would highly appreciate it, my lord.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

I've switched your beddings with lord Liushan's.

There, happy?

Now just get back here with Xingcai.


	12. Twelfth Day

**TWELFTH DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

Yes, I am not lying.

No, you may not move into lord Liu Shan's chambers; I've already went through the trouble of making Zhao Yun change your beds.

Just get back here already.

* * *

><p>Dear Jiang Wei,<p>

I am not interested in joining you three in a 'good time'.

You know as well as I do how bad I get when I drink alcohol; plus the fact that I'm currently out of the capital.

* * *

><p>Dear Jiang Wei,<p>

Okay, you're drunk. Stop sending me these letters about benevolence.

I suggest you go home already.

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Dai,<p>

Would you kindly bring those two back to their homes? Lord Liu Bei would be unpleased at the sight of his two strategists dead drunk.

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Shu,<p>

Yes, I know you miss lady Wang Yi. Go home and cry yourself to sleep, Guan Ping had told me once that made him feel better.

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Dai,<p>

Damn it all, Ma Dai, just stay put.

I'll send someone to fetch the three of you.

* * *

><p>Dear Wei Yan,<p>

Bring Xu Shu, Jiang Wei and Ma Dai home.

Liu Bei's orders.

You can knock them out.

Thank you.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

What do you mean you need more? One bottle's proper dosage lasts for about a few days, don't tell me you downed the whole thing?

And, no. I will not join the four of you.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

That's horrible.

I pictured Zhu Ran to be a bit more… mature.

To think he'd pour all that aphrodisiac in lord Sun Quan's food.

What intrigues me the most is how lady Lianshi managed to get into that mess.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

Fine, fine. I'll send you some more aphrodisiac.

In exchange, stop sending me these graphic letters; be it yours, Sun Ce's, or lord Sun Quan's.

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

Yes, I'm going to need more aphrodisiac; about ten crates.

I'll send Ma Chao over there once he can walk; that puts lady Wang Yi in the mood, as I recall you telling me.

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

By the heavens, no.

I will not use these infernal substances for my own use.

Let's just say I've got some… clients.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

Attached to this letter are five bottles.

Just make sure to not finish all of that in one week.

* * *

><p>Dear Wei Yan,<p>

Yes. Thank you.

No, do not kill.

Yes. Food, later.

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

Attached to this letter are three more bottles, my lord.

I do hope you quiet it down a bit, the soldiers are sending me letters of complaint.

Let's be sensitive here, my lord. Not everyone has a partner.

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

As I have stated before, I am not interested in joining your little fiasco.

And, no, I am not lonely.

Do not. I repeat, DO NOT make lady Wu arrange a 'blind date' for me.

I am quite content with my life, thank you very much.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Bao,<p>

I am currently out of town, and am doing some urgent business on lord Liu Bei's behalf.

No, I am not running away, what makes you think that?

* * *

><p>AN: My bad with Liu Shan's name all this time.

I had remembered reading his name kind of like Lianshi's.

Many thanks for the Guest that pointed that out.


	13. Thirteenth Day

**THIRTEENTH DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

Master Jia Xu sent me an invitation to visit a few days ago. I'll be sure to bring Ma Chao along with me.

I suggest you heal yourself up and make the proper precautions.

You wouldn't want lady Wang Yi to beat you to a bloody pulp again, right?

* * *

><p>Dear Jia Xu,<p>

Would you kindly tell me why Guo Jia is so hell bent in trying to get lady Wang Yi's affections?

I mean, couldn't he try someone easier; like, say, lady Cai Wenji?

* * *

><p>Dear Jia Xu,<p>

Never mind, that was a stupid question.

Guo Jia's lust is beyond compare; I 'm sure the only thing that can match that is Jiang Wei's love for every aspect of the word 'benevolence'.

I'll be sure to visit in a few days.

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Chao,<p>

You doing alright?

Lord Liu Bei sent me a request: once you are well, we are to visit Cao Cao.

For diplomacy reasons.

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Chao,<p>

Who? Lady Wang Yi?

What do you mean you want to see her again?

Kindly write back when both of your hands are functional.

* * *

><p>Dear Wei Yan,<p>

Good.

Food in room.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhao Yun,<p>

Thank you for your hard work.

I would like to request that you be vigilant this night; Guan Ping and Xingcai are about to return from their expedition.

Just don't mind their haggard appearance and strange smell.

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Shan,<p>

My, that's certainly good news, young lord.

I suggest you try asking lady Yueying for training dummies.

We wouldn't want you hurting other people, right?

And don't worry about Meng Huo, I'm sure he is fine.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhurong,<p>

I have no idea what came over the young lord.

I assure you, he was merely being playful. He would never hurt lord Meng Huo like that.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhurong,<p>

Oh, that's a relief.

I see that lord Meng Huo was rather… pleased with their little session and would like to do so again once he recovers.

That's good news. Do tell him that he is welcome to visit lord Liu Shan anytime.


	14. Fourteenth Day

**FOURTEENTH DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

I don't care if you two are 'in the mood'. Just get back here as quickly as possible.

Zhao Yun has been waiting for you for a while.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

No, don't take a 'break' in the woods.

I'm going back to the capital. If I catch the two of you I won't promise that both of your heads won't be sore.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhao Yun,<p>

Please do wait a little longer. The two of them are currently quite… busy.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Bao,<p>

Please, calm down.

I'm sure they're just out training or something.

I've already sent Zhao Yun to look for them; just stay put.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

I am pleased that the two of you are done 'resting'.

And I suggest you quicken your pace, Zhang Bao has gotten restless as of late.

What is this liquid anyway? The letter you sent me is completely drenched.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Bao,<p>

Zhao Yun has confirmed their coordinates and is escorting them back.

See? They were just training, is all.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhao Yun,<p>

What do you mean they're still not there?

They should have arrived half an hour ago!

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

Stop doing it wherever you like, already.

Won't you like to lay in lord Liu Shan's bed and try it out for yourself?

I can't guarantee that Zhang Bao won't kill you.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Fei,<p>

Please do control your son.

He might end up killing Guan Ping.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Fei,<p>

Never mind.

You're drunk, my lord. Please do finish up and return home.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Bao,<p>

Your father is drunk, go fetch him.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

There, I bought you some time.

Just stop having your little 'breaks' and get back here as quickly as possible.

I'll give you something… special if you manage to get back here within an hour.


	15. Fifteenth Day

**FIFTEENTH DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Zhao Yun,<p>

That's a relief.

I already told you to pay no mind to their appearance and smell.

No, they were only training.

Your dirty outlook of things is unbelievable, Zhao Yun.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

I suggest you let Xingcai stay with you for the night.

Zhang Bao would most certainly kill you if he sees the two of you like that.

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Shan,<p>

I am aware on how noisy your father is.

No, don't worry. He and lady Wu aren't fighting.

Zhuge Liang? Are you sure, young lord?

That's highly unlikely, why would Zhuge Liang be in lord Liu Bei's quarters?

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Shan,<p>

Xingcai is with Guan Ping.

You have nothing to fear, my lord.

If you are too disturbed by the noise, I suggest you go to my room.

Prepare the Go, I will be arriving shortly.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Bao,<p>

Your sister is safe.

She is currently staying with the Bao girl.

No, you don't need to check. I'm sure she is fine.

* * *

><p>Dear Xiahou Dun,<p>

I'd rather not risk it, my lord.

Wouldn't want to kill your nephew now, right?

And I, too, find Sima Yi rather… devilish.

I'm afraid you're just going to have to find someone else to do the job.

How about Zhou Yu, hmm?

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

No, I will not send more aphrodisiac.

Learn to budget it.

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

Attached to this letter are five bottles as you requested, my lord.

I do suggest taking it easy, the human body can only let up for so long.

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

Oh, I see.

Zhuge Liang's magical endurance spell.

Yes, that was meant for the soldier's; but I suppose that would be useful for you four.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Xing,<p>

I'm sorry. But I know not where your brother is.

Have you tried asking Bao Sanniang?

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Xing,<p>

He did now, did he?

I assure you; I had nothing to do with their eloping.

Though I have to say, that was quite a blunder on your 'foresight's' part.

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

Guan Suo, my lord?

I have no clue as to where he is. Have you tried asking your offsprings?


	16. Sixteenth Day

**SIXTEENTH DAY**

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

That is certainly not true, my lord!

I would never incite those kinds of thoughts into the mind of your son.

Guan Xing has been acting quite strangely lately, no?

Not to mention Guan Ping's sudden disappearance and Zhang Bao's bloodlust.

I assume it would be some sort of thing with adolescents; please, do hang in there, my lord.

Guan Suo is just probably goofing off.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhao Yun,<p>

Yes, I am aware on how noisy they are.

And, yes. I also apologize for lying to you.

Lord Guan Yu is terribly worried about his son, Suo.

Please go look for him.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhao Yun,<p>

Yes, they, too, left Shu the same reason as Guan Ping and Xingcai.

I suppose you're free to do whatever you want. I'm sure Guan Suo wouldn't mind a third party.

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

I know you're excited, but just calm down.

Ma Chao can't even feel his extremities yet.

And I'm sure you can't either.

* * *

><p>Dear Jia Xu,<p>

I am pleased that the funeral preparations are complete.

No, it is my fault in the first place.

Lady Wang Yi had nothing to do with this; master Guo Jia simply dug his own grave when he set his eyes on her.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhuge Liang,<p>

For the last time-

No.

Leave me alone; I can hear the four of you all the way here.

Quiet down a little, lord Liu Shan can't concentrate with all the noise.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Fei,<p>

Very interesting, my lord.

I also suggest not to write to me when you are drunk.

Don't worry; I shall keep this a secret between the two of us.

* * *

><p>Dear Xiahou Ba,<p>

So technically, you're related to Xingcai; more or less.

Don't worry; I was surprised as well.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

Attached to this letter is one bottle.

Make do with that; I won't send you another one within three days.

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

What do you mean I'm being stingy?

Preposterous; I'm quite a generous man.

It's your fault for guzzling it down like wine.

* * *

><p>Dear Gan Ning<p>

You're drunk.

Don't send me letters when you're drunk.

If I had a silk cloth* for every drunken letter that arrives at my doorstep, I'd be richer than the emperor.

* * *

><p>AN: *The currency during the Three Kingdom's period were silken cloth and grains.


End file.
